I'm discovering more and more that i am a creature of habit in day to day life. I always set two alarms, one two hours before i have to get up, and one at the appropriate time. I always make my tuna with just a bit of mayonnaise and a lot of avocado. I always tear up when i play "Clean" live.
But in conversation with three different people from three very different parts of my life these past weeks I'm discovering, more importantly, that we're all creatures of habit emotionally. I don't know why but that brought me some comfort. Seeing those same tendencies to love someone too much in others wasn't necessarily a happy feeling but it was ridiculously reassuring.
To sit down and explain to someone that you hardly know just how badly you were hurt.
To explain to some that you're standing in detergent aisle of HEB with an absent look on your face because it was the first time you'd smelled her scent since last summer when we were all crammed in the van. I had never been able place that scent until that moment.
To explain to an acquaintance the meaning behind album titles like "The Fix is Fading" and "The Background and the Aftermath", and see that they, not only understand completely, but appreciate you putting into words what they've been trying to.
To explain your silly reasons for regretting the smallest of details. "I would've ordered a pizza to share if i'd known that's what she wanted... that would've made her birthday better."
SERIOUSLY?! We say some pretty ridiculous things and act all sorts of crazy when it comes to love. When it comes to my failed attempts i like to think that i fought for it every step of the way until she left me nothing to fight for... i'd still probably fight for it if i had the option.
But suddenly, and without a shred of warning this week the idea crept up on me that we're hurting because we're crazy enough to limit our love to romance. I'm not just talking about the need to love a partner through "unromantic times". I'm talking about a completely different kind of love. We all crave it. We're mostly starved of it. But there seems to be such a shortage of willingness to love the people around you.. all of them.
I want to be able to say that i'd fight to make sure that people around me understood love and felt it with the same fervor that i did in romantic relationships. I think there's a much stronger community laying dormant under the one we have here now. But we're all waiting for someone else to make the first move and make themselves available... willing. That's all it would take in any relationship to make it work. Willingness.
I want to carry myself in light of that vision.
3 comments:
It constantly blows me away how similar we think. Sometimes, I find myself physically sore from thinking about a situation or trying to figure myself out and the world. I love this about myself but am constantly exhausted by it also. This subject, today especially, resonated deeply.
I love that some of my closest friends are dreamers... "believers" could substitute here.
Strangely, one of my favorite things about these people, is watching them when they're hurt... or listening when they reflect on pain. God teaches us so much in pain.
I've said 1,000 times I think that I could honestly change the world, whether that b/c I am either too optimistic or too prideful, it still stands. Dreamers change the world, when certain things are present... ability and will to act.
Even though the specifics vary from person to person, I believe the most important thing to be the constant pursuit of the passion that drives you... and let the sovereignty of God decide what should be.
This post just went right along with that...
you're particular passions are always powerful and needed, so fight hard for them. Love you bro, I hope you change the world, and until then, I'm gonna continue to pursue the "ideal" of loving people hard with ya.
P.S.- ZARA rocks my world.
Finding you on the detergent aisle was priceless. "Hey David I don't think we need any....." "JUST GIVE ME A SEC!" You know the best cure for the detergent blues? Stealing tweazers. I love you Be Fri :)
@Catharine - Yes you were there to witness a minor break down in mental health... ;)
@ Jason - Bro, we miss our stinkin face. Graduate and get to SA for at least a bit. Love ya G
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