I'm finding more and more that the way God speaks to me is never the way I expect. I find myself dying to hear a word from him in the midst of situations and not realizing until later, until now, that the situation was the word i needed. Most times there's no voice. There's no booming epiphany until after when it creeps up like your own thought... "Oh... that's why that happened..."
Again, this blog has nothing to do with my past relationships but this is an example that's key to my point. I, pretty recently, went through a break up with someone i loved very much. When it was happening, she told me it was like there were two Davids. The one in front of her, that she could see and feel. The one she fell in love with. And the one she knew via text and email when she went back to school each semester in Tennessee. The one who's words she couldn't quite put to a face. She went on to tell me that every time she saw me, when we were living life together, it seemed to fit. It just seemed right. But she had trouble remembering that boy she loved and the face that went with his words when her other worlds crowded in. That's how it ended.
We'll come back to that.
A very close friend of my family recently had been going through her own hell. She became pregnant again by the father of her first child whom abandoned her the first time around and was incredibly abusive. When she revealed this to her mother, she got a response she probably expected and definitely feared. Her mother began to hurl insults and names, horrible things at her, while her 4 year old son sat crying on the floor with his hands over his ears curled up strangely like someone was holding him.
Later that year she told me about a counseling session she went through with a woman in her church.
"You're obviously angry aren't you?'
"Yes"
"I need you to close your eyes and picture the scene in your mind when you're mother said those things to you"
"I don't want to"
"I need you to do this and tell me where you see Jesus in all of this"
"He's not there"
"You're not looking"
"You don't understand He wasn't there, i know it"
"Please, look around the room. Look closer."
She gasps a beautiful gasp of revelation.
"I see Him. He's standing in the room holding my son and looking at my mother. And He does NOT approve.
I listened to her tell me about this in tears. And she didn't sound angry in the slightest. Because when she looked closely, she saw His face. I hear people so often say things anger about how a God who loves us could let these things happen. But never have i ever heard someone honestly say they have seen the face of God in situations that hurt like hell, and they were angry.
When you see His face you understand.
Maybe not why this is happening. Maybe not why He allows it. But it's enough just to know He's there. It's something that cannot be explained but MUST be experienced. The biggest difference for me between the hard times and the unbearable, is whether or not I'm remembering to seek His face and remember it.
That girl i loved so much gave me a big part of her life and heart but the problem was that she wasn't willing to do what it took to remember who was on the other end of the messages that i sent her. She couldn't remember my face... wouldn't seek it out. And that's fine she'll move on and find someone hopefully who she is willing to do that for. But as for me, i don't want to find myself in a situation of hopelessness. Pain I can handle. Fear I can get past. But hopelessness, is just that, when and only when i forget to stand back and see that He's there.
I wish i could explain it to those who haven't experienced it. But i hope so badly that one day You'll see it and be as blown away as i am.
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