Floodgates

I was this close. Inches away from it. moments. 

Just say it David. Say it out loud so that you can move on.... "I can't because...."

Nothing comes out. It's like suddenly i feel like i don't have a right to even mention it. I finally have those big brown eyes staring back at me and the chance to say what i feel and maybe hear that it wasn't all my fault. That i'm not completely incapable of not being "the ex" for once. Nothing comes out.

"It was good to see you too" I rushed here tonight and hated every minute of it. "You look great" ugh "I'm glad you're happy." ok maybe that one's true... maybe it's not.

On the bright side though, even though my hands were numb and my mouth was dry, i've never meant a song onstage more than i did tonight. "Now most days i spend like a child who's afraid of ghosts in the night. I know there ain't nothing out there, but i'm still afraid to turn on the light... I am at ease in the arms of a woman. Although, now, most of my days are spent alone." 

I'd convinced myself that this January would fix my situation like the past three have. Always the same cycle. November = broken. December = the pain giving way to a dull throb. January = Some sort of miracle. 

... Silly coincidences fueling a silly boys superstition.

It's ok. No one there tonight will know that i left out the back to yell up at a grey sky and tell God that i need some proof. That i need to know if January comes again. No one will no that i didn't get any answers and choose to believe still. And no one, especially not her, will have a clue what it felt like on the outside looking in on what was suppose to be my perfect world.

I was seconds away from saying what i've been dying to say. Nothing came out. Even now i can't bring myself to type it. I'm still not sure why.

"Time stood still for a month or six while everything was right. Then caught up to leave me in a world that changed while i was high... enough to see how i could dream, but still forget how dreams can die"

I'm not as depressed as i sound. I just feel like giving into it completely at least once is the only way to understand what we're really feeling and forget why we were afraid to feel it. 

I can't wait for my January to come again.