The Apex

Since the emergence of the Postmodern church there's been an underlying desire to put our finger on the equation that pulls the coldest of the frozen chosen out of their seats, past the melodies and chord structures, squeezing by the puns and preaching, to drop them into the apex where God and man meet. Now, the postmodern movement is dead and I'm seeing more and more a desire for religion. Although most would deny it, they're looking for a form to fit to their faith, as often happens after a long enough time embracing free spirits and abstract faith. Now FORM ALWAYS FOLLOWS FUNCTION, and our faith cannot function without an "exoskeleton". We struggle to adhere our passion to the structure that's been set for us.  

The problem we're presented with now, and it's not one that's terribly new to the body of Christ, is finding a way to connect with God in corporate settings through elements with a fresh perspective, a temperature for change and variety, an indigenous authenticity, and a catalyst for stories of life change. The stuff people continue to talk about. The stuff they tell stories about. 

I struggle with my title as "Worship Leader". Mainly because i'm not sure how it should look. Traditionally it involves a guitar and a song book, but if we can agree (and most can) that worship is a life style... how does one lead in that? I feel like either my title should include the word "experience" and be based in corporate settings or I should be spending a lot of time in peoples homes playing conscience. 

I'm off track...

I watched this monday night as a community, that God has grown before my eyes in a semester, engaged in an encounter with the Living God. Through prayer, on their knees, hands in the air, others wrapped around each other, some stood alone in corners and soaked in the glory of a Savior, others poured out their hearts in prayer.... but there was an encounter. So what's the equation? I wish there was one. I feel like the journey is barely beginning in myself and in our community, but i'm confident that God is happy with direction we're pointing in. 

Corporate, interactive, life changing and consuming worship is what my heart desires to see here. I want us to find that apex and dwell there.

Breath

I woke to something beating in my chest

It wasn't mine to give so You took it

Under the weight of your light I lost my head

Out of the sleeve of the night where you found me

And You took my Breath

Face to face but afraid to be eye to eye

Behind the veil You hung to protect them

Pillars of salt cry a warning to my left and right

You hold me down and with kiss break the stillness

And You took my breath

Rewind...

Timing is a strange thing. Taking a step back in my own life to observe i notice i have a strategy for almost every specific venue in my life. In sales, you carefully craft every word and gesture to build on each other until you've reached a solution that is 100% tailor made for that customer. In ministry its a very similar scenario, but the stakes are much higher, the solution is a constant and the floor in ever growing and revealing itself with every corner you turn. With both we learn (regrettably) certain buzz words and idioms that we assume everyone understands and almost develop a culture around ideas that many would otherwise never understand, to help exemplify. We've boiled it down to a fine science and it seems almost subconscious.

I finally realized that's why i'm frustrated. I spend a majority of my day controlling situations and having a say in the direction of things and then when it comes to there parts of my life that i care about equally or perhaps much more i have no say but refuse to see it... or rather to understand it. We make decisions day in and day out and don't even realize until it begins to pass, that time plays such a huge part. 

You start a band > It falls apart > You're angry > You get over it > You start a band > You've learned from your mistakes > Success ensues > You see the part that timing played.

You fall in love > Things fall apart > You shut your eyes to the inevitable > When you open it's still standing there and it's a catalyst to the peace you've been seeking > You've learned from your mistakes > You see the part that timing played.

But what about the decisions that you don't get to redo after learning? What about moves you make, that maybe you could never come close to regretting, but still end up standing in the way of another later. That scares me. I know i've been saved from one or two of these before and i know that i'll come across my share of them eventually. It's not supernatural, it's human nature. but i can't help but be frustrated when i see i'm being denied one thing or another and it's all because of a matter of timing that i could've never had a say in. 

It's not the end of the world but i feel it'd only be fair for us to have a chance to play "what if?". To entertain an idea of what could've been, and at least come closer to knowing. A waste of time maybe? No, i refuse to believe that things that make our hearts smile don't deserve a second glance or a flirtatious nod. 

To look a bitter sweet situation in the eye unafraid and unashamed and know. 

I'm going to make my decisions very carefully. But i won't be ashamed of the ones i've made or afraid of the ones i'm making. What's the point?

"If there's an order in all of this disorder, is it like tape recorder? Can we rewind it just once more?"

-U2, Wake Up dead Man

I Want to Limp...

"Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak, When he saw that he had not prevailed against him, he touched the socket of his hip and it was dislocated while he wrestled. The He said, "let me go, for the dawn is breaking." But he said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." So he said to him, "what is your name?" and he said "Jacob." And he replied, "Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel for you have striven with God and with men and have prevailed."

Jacob never walked the same after that.

I feel like God has been trying to pick a fight with me. Not maliciously. But i feel like the circumstances in my life for the past two years point back to God saying chase me. Like he's given me the desires of my heart until i forget why and let them overshadow my love for Him and they're taken. I guess a better way of putting it would be that He's trying to engage me. To see how long i'll hold on in this wrestling match before i quit... to see if i'll quit. But regretfully it feels like each time i find myself with a broken hip, discouraged and focusing on the pain instead of goal at the end of endurance. 

And i let go.

I'm finding myself at that point again. Decisions that i feel like my thoughts are begging me to make that don't seem to make much sense from other perspectives. My heart is torn between two great options but only one of which really justifies a life long dedication. I'm becoming more and more obsessed with changing thing on a massive level and more and more hell bent on being person of immense impact. But a big impact requires all of my will.

Arms locked. Head to head, but not quite eye to eye with a God who's graciously willing to see if i've got what it takes to hold on no matter what. I can see Him reaching out to touch my hip and change my walk forever... and i want it so badly. To walk with that limp. The disjointing from the way it's been. To never walk the same and live in the light of that blessing that i'm fighting for with everything. I want it so badly.