Rewind...

Timing is a strange thing. Taking a step back in my own life to observe i notice i have a strategy for almost every specific venue in my life. In sales, you carefully craft every word and gesture to build on each other until you've reached a solution that is 100% tailor made for that customer. In ministry its a very similar scenario, but the stakes are much higher, the solution is a constant and the floor in ever growing and revealing itself with every corner you turn. With both we learn (regrettably) certain buzz words and idioms that we assume everyone understands and almost develop a culture around ideas that many would otherwise never understand, to help exemplify. We've boiled it down to a fine science and it seems almost subconscious.

I finally realized that's why i'm frustrated. I spend a majority of my day controlling situations and having a say in the direction of things and then when it comes to there parts of my life that i care about equally or perhaps much more i have no say but refuse to see it... or rather to understand it. We make decisions day in and day out and don't even realize until it begins to pass, that time plays such a huge part. 

You start a band > It falls apart > You're angry > You get over it > You start a band > You've learned from your mistakes > Success ensues > You see the part that timing played.

You fall in love > Things fall apart > You shut your eyes to the inevitable > When you open it's still standing there and it's a catalyst to the peace you've been seeking > You've learned from your mistakes > You see the part that timing played.

But what about the decisions that you don't get to redo after learning? What about moves you make, that maybe you could never come close to regretting, but still end up standing in the way of another later. That scares me. I know i've been saved from one or two of these before and i know that i'll come across my share of them eventually. It's not supernatural, it's human nature. but i can't help but be frustrated when i see i'm being denied one thing or another and it's all because of a matter of timing that i could've never had a say in. 

It's not the end of the world but i feel it'd only be fair for us to have a chance to play "what if?". To entertain an idea of what could've been, and at least come closer to knowing. A waste of time maybe? No, i refuse to believe that things that make our hearts smile don't deserve a second glance or a flirtatious nod. 

To look a bitter sweet situation in the eye unafraid and unashamed and know. 

I'm going to make my decisions very carefully. But i won't be ashamed of the ones i've made or afraid of the ones i'm making. What's the point?

"If there's an order in all of this disorder, is it like tape recorder? Can we rewind it just once more?"

-U2, Wake Up dead Man