I Want to Limp...

"Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak, When he saw that he had not prevailed against him, he touched the socket of his hip and it was dislocated while he wrestled. The He said, "let me go, for the dawn is breaking." But he said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." So he said to him, "what is your name?" and he said "Jacob." And he replied, "Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel for you have striven with God and with men and have prevailed."

Jacob never walked the same after that.

I feel like God has been trying to pick a fight with me. Not maliciously. But i feel like the circumstances in my life for the past two years point back to God saying chase me. Like he's given me the desires of my heart until i forget why and let them overshadow my love for Him and they're taken. I guess a better way of putting it would be that He's trying to engage me. To see how long i'll hold on in this wrestling match before i quit... to see if i'll quit. But regretfully it feels like each time i find myself with a broken hip, discouraged and focusing on the pain instead of goal at the end of endurance. 

And i let go.

I'm finding myself at that point again. Decisions that i feel like my thoughts are begging me to make that don't seem to make much sense from other perspectives. My heart is torn between two great options but only one of which really justifies a life long dedication. I'm becoming more and more obsessed with changing thing on a massive level and more and more hell bent on being person of immense impact. But a big impact requires all of my will.

Arms locked. Head to head, but not quite eye to eye with a God who's graciously willing to see if i've got what it takes to hold on no matter what. I can see Him reaching out to touch my hip and change my walk forever... and i want it so badly. To walk with that limp. The disjointing from the way it's been. To never walk the same and live in the light of that blessing that i'm fighting for with everything. I want it so badly.