Incompletion: Our Strangest Answer

I have a secret... doubt. Maybe, question, is better word for it. Very recently I have been actively questioning my faith. Not doubtfully disputing, but questioning. Here's a better way of putting it; i opened myself up to a set of questions that i knew would aggressively challenge my whole belief system. The words of a familiar artist echoing in my spirit.

"Wait just a minute You expect me to believe that all this misbehaving grew from one enchanted tree. And helpless to fight it we should all be satisfied with the magical explanation for why the living die."

At the heart of it, there's no denying that we are a people of fantastical beliefs. Wars have been fought in their name, men have been martyred in their wake, and every civilization for 10,000 years has lived in the tension of their miracles. Our logic is full of mysticism, and our reason is full of reckless passion. And these things don't sit well with us, do they? Not with me they don't. My brain has been divided into two hemispheres (so they tell me), and it's quite a bother some times. It's either a fantastic joke my Poetic Creator has played on me or a marvelous mistake that science never evolved to the point that both of these halves would work more peacefully together... have your pick. Regardless, I'm left to hash it out somehow, and so these questions burn.

And the frustrating thing isn't even so much the questions themselves as much as why we ask them. The questions are the same we all have had. What are we looking for though, evidence? Evidence is relative. I can prove to a man that sun revolves around the earth and not the other way around, and all he has to do is sit with me in my front yard for 12 hours to watch it pass. Instead, i take a more capable man's word for it. One who tells me he's been around the world and seen it himself, another who's machines answer the mystery for us... and I'm satisfied with those answers. So why am i not satisfied with the same man's answers to the bigger questions? Questions of life. Questions of what really happened. I decided tonight it's because we're not speaking the same language.

When asking poetic questions, math is obsolete.

Tonight i took a walk around 2 am. It was quiet and no one bothered me. I walked and listened to my music, and then i heard it. I felt it. The earth moved. Cried. A cry of frustration, of agony, of incompletion. And i realized why I'm so unsatisfied with the answers of man. They use equations that are incomplete, nearly there but they always leave something to be desired. They've been missing something from the moment we plucked it from the tree and the earth has groaned ever since. Tsunami's roll, the earths shell cracks and shakes, and beneath it all is this cry to made whole again because all creation knows this isn't how things were meant to be. It knows without asking and it knows because it doesn't ask. It knows and and doesn't waste time trying to explain it without all the pieces.

I feel the same incompletion, but in a different way. I feel it not because my Creator left any desire unquenched but because, until he comes back in fullness and restores things, i won't truly operate the way he meant for me to. That answer brings me peace... because i know that the same Creator orchestrated this entire night just so i could understand.

At Peace in Chaos

I'm either a complete moron, or addicted to fantastically impossible poetic explanations for everyday questions... both are likely and at at least one is the reason i haven't blogged in a while. (By the way, i've appreciated the inquiries as to why i've been gone and the emails. I am flattered.)

The truth is, every time i sit down to write on here... i get a little schizophrenic. My fingers hit the keys fast and hard and just when a coherent decisive thought begins to form, I immediately begin to disagree with my self. Sound crazy? Ya... i know. Feel free to judge me.

Here's my issue... Logically, nothing that i feel like i've been created to do makes any sense. It's like i have this crazy voice in my head whispering dangerous advice as i try and just go about my day.

It starts small...

"Give that guy $20."

"Go back and tell him why you did."

"Start a conversation with the man who looks like he doesn't want to be bothered"

... And it gets bigger

"Reach out to that person... even if people will talk."

"Love that person... even if you'll be judged for it."

"Turn down that job offer for more money."

It got Huge

"... start a revival."

"Refuse those resources if it means it will compromise vision."

"Turn down the easy path for the one that makes your blood boil with purpose... even if you have to cut the path yourself."

You know i'm beginning to realize? I've been hearing this voice for a long time. But before when I heard it, it was easier to listen to. It was telling me things that calmed me and comforted me... so i called it the voice of God. Now that it tells me to do things for which i'll be ostracized -things that will require me to rely 100% on the assumption that God will He Himself have to step in and make things happen - things that are just plain crazy - well now i call the voice impulse and absurdity.

So i'm tired. I'm tired of ignoring the vision god gave me because people around me seem hesitant. God will will speak a word to them on their own time... and i'm going to move forward. Forward to what you ask? I. Have. No. Idea. But 5 minutes at time, i'll listen to the voice and, like a crazy person, i'll do whatever it tells me to. Because i'm more at peace in the midst of the chaos that ensues when i do than i am in the regret when i don't.

5 Songs Installment #2: "5 to Break Your Heart"

(The Bittersweet) Snow Patrol - Run

(The Hopeful) The Frames - Falling Slowly

(The Last Chance) Damien Rice - Cold Water

(The Vision) U2 - Moment of Surrender

(The Question) Nickel Creek - Why Should the Fire Die? (Last song on page)

5 Songs Installment #1: "5 to Incite A Revolution"

(The Anthem) Marc Scibilia - Hope Anthem

(The Angry ) Foo Fighters - The Pretender

(The Broken) The Frames - Rise

(The Redemptive) John Mark Mcmillan - Skeleton Bones

(The Peculiar) Mute Math - Peculiar People

I have a hundred disconnected, random thoughts that God has shoved in my head these past months. Maybe you know the feeling? Something as simple as a smell, a song, or in my case a late night drive prompts such a thought in your mind that seems so random... but you know there's a connection somewhere. Recently, yesterday actually, it was as if someone took one long strong thread and ran it straight through a hundred disconnected thoughts to form the beginnings of a clear vision.

I don't know if you've ever heard the story of EliJAH and EliSHA, but it's a good one. We'll call them Jah and Sha to avoid too much confusion. The part of their story that caught my attention again yesterday was this, in my own words. Now Jah was a powerful man of God and a Prophet. He was also Sha's mentor. So Jah tells Sha "hey man i'm gonna be 'taken from you' soon. Is there anything you want from me before go?" Now assuming that Jah is referring to his death, Sha says "Ya, i want double your portion of the Holy Spirit. I want to do twice as much as you have in His name" So Jah tells him "alright, if you see me when i'm taken then you'll get what you want, but if not, then you won't".

Widening the Margins

2010 will be known, for me, as the year that God shook my world completely. It's been 23 years coming. I know undoubtedly that it will happen, that it needs to happen, and there's something strange i find myself doing. It's almost like i'm preparing for it. Like God said to me "hey dave, i'm gonna change a lot of things in and about you this year." and I began scurrying around the house picking up, and dusting because... well... God is coming over.

You know, it's really strange, work that I use to find tedious and daunting like some great looming task is now so much easier. Like spring cleaning when you're expecting company that you're excited to receive. Sure, the work doesn't actually get any easier, but with the excitement and motivation you have to do it, you just don't seem to mind as much.

And now, like some great puzzle, i'm staring down at my life spread out on the table and I have no earthly idea where to begin in piecing everything together, but I can at least see the pieces clearly. The blank beige backs have been flipped over exposing the tiniest hint of a greater picture that I feel Him calling me to bring to life.

Its strange knowing you're called very specifically to build onto something, and knowing without any shadow of doubt that its a very detailed, specific and eternal task you're called to... and yet you don't quite have enough details to really be able to boil it down to one simple sentence full of of purpose. So i'll widen the margins on my explanation of what i see coming until I hear clearly the voice of God tell me to narrow it down and what to narrow it down to.

I'm called to be a servant, and i'm waiting for my next task.

Spiritual Contraception: A Heart Issue

I've had the really awesome opportunity to see the church in North America in a lot of different communities. I gotten to travel through the Mid-west, spend some time in Montreal, Toronto, New Brunswick, and all the way down to Central America. Then of course there's the Bible belt here in Texas and we have our own brand of "hallelujah!" here. So i've gotten to meet a lot of really... interesting people. I don't mean that in a bad way at all, i just mean to say that when you're completely removed from any and all comfort zone, or familiar environments you get to see things more objectively.

Now i've been reprimanded for tattoos and "ear jewelry", i've been healed when i didn't realize i needed healing and been told that worship would've been much better if my guitar hadn't been making "those darn zippin' noises" the whole time. BUT i've also been met with unyielding hospitality, received words of confirmation and encouragement, and learned lessons in places i thought i was brought in to teach.

One lady stands out in mind as i'm writing. I was in a small church in Houston. We'd just finished leading the church in worship and i was meeting new people and thanking everybody for having us, when i saw her coming for me. We locked eyes for one second and the next she was right there in my personal space.

"Oh honey you're pregnant!"

"...Um... excuse me?"

"Yes dear, you're pregnant with the spirit, stop ignoring it."

"...I... uh... yes ma'am."

"oh dear look at me, i'm scaring you half to death here. I'm sorry, i get excited and lose all tact. Here's the thing though. I see you're pregnant with a great deal of healing and power, and believe that God wants you to realize it before you drown it out in the lights."

"..........."

"Thanks so much for visiting! We enjoyed it. 'Night!"

I had chalked that night up with the rest of the "crazies", but that woman's words have been on my heart lately. I came across a website that is trying an experiment. 60 days dedicated to improving one's communication with God. Post-it notes on the bathroom mirrors, watches set to beep every hour on the hour, and a thousand other little reminders to help improve our communication with God.

Spiritual Contraception.

I need just as much improvement in the this area as the worst of us, but something seriously bugged me about this for some reason, and after thinking about it long and hard i realized its the habitual nature of the thing. The idea of giving God a whole 60 days to form the habit in us of talking to him when our world is interrupted by a watch beep or a post-it note. And so the problem i think i see in us is a heart issue. As unhealthy and threatening to a thriving relationship with God as i think this experiment is, how do you teach a genuine desire to communicate with God. How do you teach a soul to grow short of breath when it hasn't heard it's makers voice. How do you avoid the "spiritual contraception" in actions that turn our response to God in to habit. How do you teach the actions of an adolescent Jesus who meets His heart-sick worried parents with "Why is it you've been looking for me? Did you not know that I had to be in my Fathers house?" (Luke 2:41-52) After they've been looking for Him for 3 days only to find Him with the elders in the church. Talking, learning.

"I had to be in my Father's house" Nurturing the pregnant will of God that was growing in Him. Not stifling it with habit out of responsibility, but growing it with devotion out of desire.

It's still a question i'm not sure i have the answer to. How do you teach desire? I don't know, but i've learned how to smother it. May our hearts be aware and sensitive to the habits we form, great though they may seem, that aren't born out of genuine desire.

A prayer more than a review - Pedro the Lion/David the Digger

So i just bought David Bazan's new record "Curse Your Branches". Incredible stuff. If you've followed him at all throughout his career you'd know his first band, Pedro the Lion, and the massive impact they had on christian music in their unwavering honesty. Something that's so scarce and so precious in a scene that can be dominated by idealism and porcelain fronts -Fragile and beautiful. I remember the first PtL record i bought, the Whole EP. It was the first experience i had with a record that made me feel like i was sitting down and having the most honest conversation of my life with someone. Not be sold anything. Lyrics like: "Rest in me little David and dry all your tears, You can lay down your armor and have no fear. Cause i'm always here when you're tired of running, i'm all the strength that you need." (Lullaby, Whole Ep, '97), or his heartfelt rendition of Be Thou My Vision (The Only Place I Feel Secure, '99). These songs Felt like something new to me.

David went on to form another band later on called The Headphones. One that explored more controversial methods of communication. Tracks like S**t Talker, Gas and matches, and Hot Girls, dug their finger deeper into wounds that the church was trying to cover up in an effort to raise awareness and instead raised hell. Angry undertones caught my attention and eventually i came to believe that some things he said in sarcastic tone, were really being said out loud as he convinced himself of there cynical truth.

So here i'm listening to his new record and admiring the signature honesty that Bazan can pull of in a way that makes you empathize with him. But i'm hearing blatant lyrics like "Did you push us when we fell?" and "In my throat, there swells a darkness. It fills my mouth, and coats my lips... Oh, falling leaves should curse their branches, For not letting them decide where they should fall, And not letting them refuse to fall at all." Or the saddest of all "When Job asked you a question, You responded, 'Who are you to challenge your creator?' Well if that one part is true It makes you sound defensive, like you had not thought it through, like you didn't have an answer, like you bit off more than you could chew"

What happened to a, once so positive, poet? My calvinist friend might tell me he just wasn't one of the "Divine Elect", or he would irresistibly be God's forever. My Armenianist friend might tell me he's just exercising his free will and changing his mind like our Benevolent God gave us the choice to do. Both would argue their point fervently, but both would speak SOLEY from opinion and interpretation. It's been my experience that the one thing no one can legitimately argue is experience.

"God changed my life."

"No He didn't"

It just doesn't work. Only that person can say what they've experienced, and no one else can take that from them. My point being i found something in PtL's music early on that i could identify with. Something that i saw was beautiful. And when a man that celebrate as a poet turned a corner, he didn't take me with him. And neither should any argument that anyone throws at you.

Here's what i'm getting at... experience God for yourself. I have no idea what's going through the mind of David Bazan, nor the heart thereof, and i never will. But i commend him for always digging. Unfortunately he hasn't found what he was looking for.... i know i have. I know i found it in the face of a passionate loving God.

So take what ANYONE says to you with a grain of salt. Test it, and hold on to what is good. Experience God for yourself and make up your own mind. There are so many "movements" nowadays and they're all fighting for your allegiance. But we either swear our allegiance to God, or to nothing at all. Those are our choices. He is everything and everything apart from Him is nothing. I challenge you to experience Him for yourself, dig into him. See what you find.

Interesting links: Then Now